All these years I have been incredibly piqued by people who, according to my lofty self, behaved like “miserable losers” – friends sucking up to teachers to be in their good grace; colleagues posting their first ever appreciation awards in social networks; cousins bragging about their new promotions; girls pleading & begging their ex’s to come back; guys professing love to their childhood flames when the girl doesn’t even give two hoots about them – you get the picture. I used to find all that so tacky and pathetic that they riled me to my very bones.
So today morning, when I found myself googling the words “How to get back your ex”, I realized life has come a full circle and I still have a long way to go. To say it was an eye-opener would be a massive understatement. The universe does have a unique way of giving back to you what you flung at it in the first place. Even if you are unaware of your own self, it takes care to let you know who you are, through your own life experiences.
Today, I stand here humbled to my very core. Throughout my life, I have had a lot of dealings with Mr. Love; sometimes I scorned it, sometimes I laughed at it, sometimes I laughed with it and sometimes I cried in it. But never did I for a second think that I would be that girl whom I’d always loved making fun about – the girl who sits in the pub alone with her drink while silently praying someone to approach her; the girl who turns up without a date in the college prom; the girl who is snubbed by her lover for someone else much younger – because, hey, I have always been that other woman, the reason for all those breakups, jealousy and tormented hearts.
I thought I shared enough love with at least those who mattered for me, but then who am I to decide what is enough? Of course, I never had any compassion in me – that is an inbuilt flaw that I was born with. I could never sympathize with anyone, not even with me it seems; otherwise I wouldn’t be humiliating myself like this right now. As for tolerance, well for that you need patience and my patience runs out every time I see someone do something stupid. Now that I really need some of that compassion and tolerance and maybe a bit of love, I don’t see it coming my way anytime soon.
It is not easy to admit to myself that after all these years, maybe I have lost it this time, my usual cool and “whatever” demeanor and that haughty “I never look back” attitude. So maybe it’s time to share some love, before getting any of that back. Maybe it’s time I heal myself first, before being blinded by judgmental prejudices and seeing faults in others. There is this poetry in Punjabi by Bulleh Shah that I came across recently and would like to share:
parh parh ilm hazaar kitaaban
qaddi apnay aap nou parhiya naee
jaan jaan warhday mandir maseedi
qaddi mann apnay wich warhiya naee
aa-vain larda aye shaitan de naal bandeaa
qaddi nafss apnay naal lariya naee
You might have read a thousand books
But you never read your own true self
You rush in, to your Temples and your Mosques,
But never tried entering your own heart
In vain you try to battle with Satan
For you have never tried fighting your own desires